Well life is a bit crazy really...
yesterday was my first church service back in Armidale at my home church in about 3 months. The morning service was really good and i think the entire service was for me... song choice; communion message; sermon... all for Ronnie. I had a really good time and went and hung with my youth girls afterwards which was lovely... I was feeling better than i had in a long time. I was talking to Maat and even told him that things were so much better. That night i went back to church and in the first song of the service, i had a pretty intense emotional breakdown. I cried through the entire service. Not just little tears running down my face, sobbing like a little girl... People looked at me and i kind of felt like i had been written off because I had just got back from Africa so it was "normal"... all i wanted was a hug... You know how you go and go and go and go and you dont realise that you're tired until you stop? Thats what hit me last night. The 5 weeks before Africa were just really intense and crazy, then there was 2 months in africa then the whole time since ive been back ive had malaria so it just hasnt been fun at all. I had a day or so to just stop and rest and my whole world just collapsed. I realised that im just so incredibly exhausted, not just physically but emotionally and spiritually also. That was one part of the breakdown...
The next part was that i realised that i just went on this HUGE life changing adventure, just to come back and life to be exactly the same. I think the 3 weeks being back here in Australia have been harder than my entire time in Africa. The church is the same, its the same people, its the same songs, its the same person preaching. Im not at all saying that this is a bad thing but it almost seems like my adventure didnt happen at all. I dont think i can handle things being completely the same. i think i need change. im going to have change.
I got home and had a cry to Maat, he was as usual, the best friend you could have. He talked to me and listened to my rambles and prayed for me. I fell asleep and everything changed...
I was woken up by a knocking sound and thought someone was knocking at my bedroom door. it was still dark so i was a bit confused.. there wasnt anyone there so i got back into bed but i could still hear the knocking. then i felt someone kinda poking my heart and knocking on it... it was in time with the knocking that i heard. It kinda startled me but there was noone there, i got my pray on and dont remember much from there... i woke up though feeling really full like i had just eated a huge meal and God told me to read revelation 3:20...
GOD IS GOOD!!! Even though i get knocked down, thats not where im going to stay!!! I get right back up again!!! God is my strength and in Him i find refuge... Hes my strong tower that can never be shaken!
Im so blessed <3